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[08 May 2008|12:26am] |
i guess it's about that time for a self-evaluation.
what a long list that'll be.
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[15 Apr 2008|08:28pm] |
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o what a world.
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[10 Apr 2008|11:27pm] |
and so sometimes, i can just feel this stinging in my stomach and it rises up my throat and sits on the back of tongue and throat. Almost like that feeling you get when you are about to vomit. It makes my heart race. o boy does it make my heart race. and my mind races. and i cannot stop thinking about these things. i cannot stop. and this feeling grows. it's a disease, it has to be. I'm sure of it. it has to be a disease. i don't know what else it could be. my mind, constantly jealous. my mind, constantly anxious. why can't i outgrow this. why here, why now?
it's funny how that one part of my life really messed up who i am now. it's funny and sad because i can't really decide what part of my life to blame it on. i couldn't have always been this way. no, it must be someone's fault. or something's fault. how can it be mine?
why does this happen to me? why do i always just need to cry. and why does it take so long to go away.
i am an interrogator. At least that's how i feel when it hits. i ask questions like a crazy person asks questions. as a matter of fact i feel like a crazy person. i can't even explain how it feels. i need to hear what i need to hear. but not once, because that would be too normal. No, i have to hear it at least 3 or 4 times before i can move on to the next question.
i am so insecure. i don't know where that came from either. i remember i used to be happy with myself. my body, my face, my hair. now i hate it all. wait no. maybe i was never completely happy with myself. i can't stand to look in the mirror sometimes. and just when i think i look descent i look in the mirror again and want to break it into millions of pieces. the only reason i don't is because the last thing i need is bad luck.
i seriously think this town hates me. not the people necessarily, just everything else. my luck sucks here. it sucks.
and i hope this summer i can change my attitude. i want to change my attitude about everything. people, girls in particular, and mostly just myself.
i feel awful disliking myself. i feel like i am offending my parents by doing so. which is why i try not to do it so much.
sometimes i am this train wreck of thoughts. and i finally decided that maybe a psychiatrist is in order.
i can't wait to go home this weekend. it is the only place i feel truly loved sometimes.
it makes me feel as though i belong at least somewhere in this world. i know this place doesn't think i belong here. at least that's what i feel like it's trying to tell me.
i expect a lot out of people. and so little of myself. i need to change this around.
i know exactly what i need this weekend.
i think i know.
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[02 Apr 2008|09:15pm] |
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lately i've felt un..fulfilled. i guess.
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| ramble of garbage |
[01 Apr 2008|09:17pm] |
it's always just about this high.. this high that we can control but don't know how. and we just ride it out as long as we can because we know when it stops it won't come around for a while. i am not talking about the kind of high you get after taking prescription drugs or even drinking alcohol. not even the high you get after smoking weed or even just being in the same room with a bunch of people that are. it's just this natural high that hurts your lungs because you are laughing so hard. the high that pulls the corners of your lips to your ears and just won't let go until your muscles in your face cramp up. and even in that moment of cramped facial tissue and muscles you are only able to pull your lips together and leave them pressed for a brief second until they are drawn back to your ears. your lungs, i could only try to explain. like you just ran a 4 mile marathon and are gasping for air that never seems to quite fill your lungs completely. and trying to talk during this whole sherade has you spitting out one word per gasp. it's just amazing.
but as quickly as it started it can end. dead silence except for the lungs, still gasping for air but not as loudly and obvious as before. all you can do now is stare out of the car window...
and talk about fucking dumbass gas prices! jeeze!
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